Right Mothering

This is the question most asked by observers of my baby bump.  (If I were so nosy, I would ask every mother-to-be where she intends to give birth, as this is so much more revealing and important.)  But I answer, “I would like to know, but we aren’t doing any ultrasounds.”  Most people do not ask a follow-up question, but I wish they would, for I never mind an occasion for my own little bit of advocacy – against the invasion of the baby’s privacy that ultrasounds entail and in favor of more meaningful ways of making pregnancy ‘real’ (see my post on Haptonomy).

So, do I have a preference?  Well, actually I do.  I am hoping for a boy (although I have never before articulated this sentiment).  A sister would be a great gift for my daughter – a life-long best friend – so I will not be disappointed if we have a girl.  But I hope for a boy for two reasons.

First, my daughter has set a tough standard to live up to.  I fear that a younger daughter would have too much difficulty emerging from her shadow.  If we have a boy, everyone, second child included, would be much less likely to compare him to his big sister.

Second, I would like to prove to all the parents of poorly behaved boys (including my brother and sister-in-law), that such behavior is not inevitable in boys.  Along these lines, I feel as though I have mastered the art of raising a girl, but a boy offers new challenges and experiences, and I would like to prove myself not just lucky, but rather, instrumental in shaping my children into who they are, primarily through extended breastfeeding and through staying home with them through the first few years.

So, a short post with which to return to blogging after the Christmas break.

Among the ideas highlighted by the New York Times Magazine in its year in ideas issue is the notion that “Kindergarten Redshirting is Bad in Many Ways”.  I am intrigued by this trend of redshirting (but didn’t know it was called this until today) and have conflicting instincts with regard to it.  The “many” (actually two) negatives that the brief essay in the New York Times Magazine presents do not compel me in any way.  First, I would consider the hastening collapse of social security resulting from the reduction in workers supporting the system a good thing.  Second, the shortening of the education of those who both begin late and drop out as early as legally possible seems a poorly thought-through theory.  Isn’t it highly likely that those children who start later have greater success in school and are therefore much less likely to drop out when they are older?

My own perspective on this issue is based on my daughter’s contrasting experiences in her school and her summer camp.  Her school has a December cut-off, so each grade has very young children, at least for what the school expects from them (such as full-day schooling from age 2.9).  At her summer camp, a day school during the academic year, the policy is to hold children back, especially boys, so that they enter kindergarten often at age six, and most of the children in her group also attend the school during the academic year.  Of the many differences between the two environments, the good behavior of the boys at the summer camp most impressed me.  The boys at the summer camp, who were all on the older side, were little gentlemen, in sharp contrast to the boys at my daughter’s school, especially those who are clearly on the young side, who constantly misbehave.  This, of course, is purely anecdotal evidence, but considering that the misbehavior of those boys (and some of the young girls too) has a noticeable negative effect on my daughter’s schooling, I am not inclined to dismiss this observation so quickly.

My own perspective is also informed by the prospect of enrolling my daughter in our town’s public elementary school.  My daughter’s birthday is in September, and the town has a strict cut-off of September 1st.  I will keep her in the private school at least through the first grade, because only for enrollment in the second grade will the school accept the lateral transfer from another school of a child whose birthday comes after the cut-off.  Although socially, I wouldn’t mind putting my daughter in a classroom where she can dominate by virtue of her seniority, intellectually, repeating a year would be stultifying for her.  And I have recently discovered that for gifted children, early enrollment in kindergarten is essential (see A Nation Deceived), and in fact, that skipping grades is actually not as detrimental as commonly believed.

So, if I had a boy born near the cut-off, and he had behavioral difficulties and showed no signs of giftedness, I might be inclined to redshirt him.  But with a girl born at the cut-off with impeccable behavior and signs of high intelligence, if not giftedness, there is no way that I will restrict her in this way.