Right Mothering

Two weekends ago, the New York Times Magazine published an essay on teasing that has generated a good deal of buzz.  The article is relatively academic and could just as well be left in that rarefied air, until the author delineates what he views as the practical implications of his research:

In seeking to protect our children from bullying and aggression, we risk depriving them of a most remarkable form of social exchange. In teasing, we learn to use our voices, bodies and faces, and to read those of others — the raw materials of emotional intelligence and the moral imagination. We learn the wisdom of laughing at ourselves, and not taking the self too seriously. We learn boundaries between danger and safety, right and wrong, friend and foe, male and female, what is serious and what is not. We transform the many conflicts of social living into entertaining dramas. No kidding.

As a mother of a five-year old girl, I have already seen her negotiating the world of queen bees and am relieved that she has assumed that role this year, for it is much easier to influence her exercise of that power than it is to react to the abuse of that power by others.  Teasing has not yet entered into the equation, or least enough for my daughter to discuss it with me, but I would not be happy to find out that another girl was teasing her.  I would be even less happy to find out that she was herself doing the teasing.

I believe that teasing needs to be done with love, and, therefore, that, especially with children, the proper place to learn about teasing is in the home.  My husband and I tease each other regularly, and it does ease tensions, when they arise, and my husband uses teasing most effectively in this way.  We also involve our daughter in our teasing of each other, but we only tease her ever so gently, because if we tease with too heavy a hand or at the wrong moment, we upset her, and we have too much respect for her feelings and for her emotional maturity to push it.

One type of teasing to which I am very sensitive, and which the essay does not refer, is the teasing that arises from jealousy.  My brother has always teased me in this way, and I now realize that he has always done it out of weakness and not affection, and for me, that makes it indefensible.  As a sort of virtue-theorist, I look to the motivation to judge the goodness of the act.  Teasing to ease tension is good; teasing to bring someone down a notch is bad.