Right Mothering

The cover article of the September Issue of Vanity Fair, “Paris Match,” contains at its very end (the final page of the article, in its web form) a gem of a quote from its subject, Carla Bruni.

Nevertheless, she has ruled out fertility programs. “If it comes, I’d be the happiest person in the world, but if it doesn’t come, I’m not going to tempt the Devil.”

Something like this could never be said in the States, and I risk great offense by expressing my agreement.  I wonder, however, why such interventions are accepted so unquestionably in our society.  At the least, shouldn’t those who are pro-life oppose intervention to create life just as fervently as they oppose intervention to terminate life, for both are playing God?  For this reason, I find the Vatican’s Dignitas Personae a breath of fresh air.

I am not Catholic, and I write from the position of fertility.  But, even after reading story after story about struggles with fertility, I am still not compelled that what these women do to bear their own child is right.  Carla Bruni expresses what I think each time that I read such a story.

First, I believe that the moment of conception is significant, at the least, on some spiritual level.  Our daughter was conceived at the height of passion, in a moment of extraordinary pleasure.  I believe that this has shaped, in no insignificant way, who she is and what she means to us.

Second, shouldn’t we be attentive to the messages that the universe sends to us?  I would consider infertility a pretty loud message from the universe.  Perhaps there are reasons – very often biological – that we shouldn’t reproduce.  What happens to the health of the human race when we storm this once-effective blockade?

Okay, I have said it.  No offense intended.

My first piece of advice is a bit unconventional and perhaps not very conservative: conceive the child at the height of passion, by which I mean, do not wait so long that intimate relations have lost their original fire.  Of course, I do not advocate not having children for those who have passed this moment in a relationship.  But for those who have not passed it, I would urge them not to delay.

Such advice may seem foolhardy.  But in truth, although I do not have the statistics to back me up, I would doubt that the length of a relationship prior to having children has any bearing on the rate of divorce after having children.  Some would argue that a relationship needs a foundation before adding children.  This sounds reasonable, but based on our own experience, I know that it is absolutely not necessary.

My husband and I conceived our daughter very early in our relationship, at the height of our passion.  And it was a blessing for the following two reasons.  First, every time I look at our daughter – and I mean really look at her, to admire her – her face reminds me of our passion.  Her being, as an embodiment of our passion, can even snap me out of moments of frustration, impatience, or anger.

And I still believe in that passion because it has never had the chance to diminish.  Pregnancy and breastfeeding hit the pause button on our passion, but as soon as our daughter weaned herself, we hit play, and our passion picked up right where we had left off. We had a little less time and energy, but the same passion was there when we conceived our second child, the one I now bear.

And now, pregnant for the second time, the passion is not only a memory, but a hope for the future.  I look at my husband with the same adoration and longing as when we first fell in love.  Our physical chemistry is such that perhaps it willl never diminish, and perhaps we could have easily waited. But I know, from previous relationships and the experiences of others, that in most relationships, passion wanes.

Feminism and the wide-spread availability of birth control attempt to his sever this link between physical passion and reproduction. I certainly had no real notion of this link until I became so overcome by passion that conceiving a child seemed the most natural outcome.  But now I speak very openly to my daughter about how babies are conceived, or at least how they should be conceived and how physical intimacy should be experienced. Bambi (2-Disc Special Platinum Edition)
has a fantastic word and example for children to understand the connection between sex and reproduction – twitterpation.  Watch the movie if you want to know what I mean and need a good point of reference when talking with your children.