Right Mothering

I returned to work today after a gloriously long break, and it is pure misery.  I will work until two weeks before my due date at the end of March, but from then until  September, I will stay at home full time with my new baby.  Now, I can easily leave this job, because I hate it.  I am overqualified for it and feel my mind numbing as I perform its myriad of administrative tasks.  Perhaps, if I had a position for which I am qualified and which I found intellectually engaging, I would be tempted to put the babe in daycare, but more likely, I wouldn’t have had another child at all, because I firmly believe that one shouldn’t have a child, if you aren’t going to raise it, at least for the first few years.  Choosing to have a child is not about the mother-to-be’s wants and needs, but about those of the baby-to-be.

Even now, with the babe in my womb, I feel that I should be with him or her in a way that I cannot be while at work.  During the Christmas break, I could rest my tired body (growing a baby is exhausting!) and just think about the baby, in a way that I cannot do while sitting at this wretched desk.  I had time to prepare my home for the baby’s arrival and nourish my body with food eaten at a table instead of at a desk.  I spent quality time with my daughter, this baby’s big sister, after school, rather than collapsing on the couch after tiring myself out at work.  I spared my baby the stress of our morning and afternoon commute.  In truth, even a pregnant mother should stay-at-home.

Now, for us, my not working once the baby is born will put us in financial peril.  We will likely turn to public assistance, in some form or another (which is not easy to contemplate as a conservative).  I will look for work-at-home writing and editing opportunities.  But, I just cannot imagine not being with this baby once it is in this world.